I've given this post a lot of thought, and it's taken me a month or so to finally sit down and put my thoughts into words. It's kind of long, and I apologize if i ramble, but I have a lot of thoughts... :) I'm sure everyone who reads this blog knows that we were expecting a new member of our family, and six weeks into the pregnancy, we lost it. Words can't describe the heartbreak i did, and still feel about this..If you were to see me out and about, you would probably never know that i still struggle and think about that baby daily. You would never know that I just try not to think about the "what-if''s", because I would just break down (kind of like I am right now, writing this). And honestly, I really do feel at peace about this, but I wanted this baby so badly!!
We knew about this baby for one week before it was gone. But let me tell you how loved that baby was, for those seven days :) I hope it's little spirit knew how much I looked forward to holding and snuggling it's little body. I would give anything to be getting new stretch marks, and throwing up daily, and just feeling miserable, because I would get the best gift of all. I don't mean to sound ungrateful either, because I know very well that our Heavenly Father has a hand in all things, and this was His plan, but It still doesn't take all the pain away right now.
I know it may seem crazy to some, to feel so absolutely devastated to lose something you only knew about for a week, but it seems like we have been waiting forever for Heavenly Father to bless us with another one of his children, and to have it within our grasp, and then have it taken away is something that I can't even describe..
The day I lost the baby, I started bleeding a little bit, and cramping really bad. I tried to stay positive, but looking back, I knew deep down that the news wouldn't be good, and I think my Heavenly Father was already trying to prepare me for what was to come. I went to the ER, and waited in my room for a while while they ran some blood tests. After a while the nurse rolled the Ultrasound machine into my room, and the doctor squeezed that warm jelly on my stomach and touched the wand down. As my head turned to see the picture I prayed so hard to see my baby there, alive. But when I looked up at the screen, there was nothing there.....Nothing. Like that little baby never even existed. I never got to see it's sweet silhouette or see it's little heart pump, or hear it beat through those speakers. The only tangible thing I have to remember it by, is my wristband from the hospital. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I wonder if it might be easier to have a little ultrasound picture, just to know that, yes, this baby was mine for 6 weeks, I didn't just make it up, or imagine it...I cried as they discharged me, and cried in the bathroom as I got my clothes back on. I cried down the hallway and out the front doors. And as we drove away I couldn't help but notice everyone around me, driving in their cars, and walking on the streets, having conversations, and laughing with each other. Didn't they know that my world was crashing down on me? I just lost my baby, that i loved so deeply after only a week! But the world keeps turning, and everyone goes on with their lives. And I know that mine will keep going and going, and one day, this raw emotion won't be so raw, and one day I won't cry when I think about all that has happened, but right now, i do, and that's okay. One day I will look back on this experience and see how much I've grown, and think of a little spirit waiting for me in heaven, and I will smile at the thought, instead of tearing up. I will never stop being grateful for the chance to do my part in His plan. He used my body as a vessel to bring life to this world, if only for a little while, and for some reason that was all I had to do. I'll put my trust in Him, and be faithful to the fact that I don't need to know any more than that for now.
I'm not writing this post for anyone to feel sorry for me either, I'm writing this because miscarriage isn't something people talk about a lot, and I understand that's it a very personal thing, and most times, no one even know's you're pregnant, so It's not something that comes up. But I felt like I needed to talk about it, so if one day someone I know is going through the same thing, and comes across this, they won't feel alone. And for those of you who know someone who is struggling with something like this, or struggling with anything at all, it's okay to be there for them, and talk to them about it, tell them how sorry you are. I've got calls, and letters, and messages from people expressing their sympathy. Friends and family brought me dinner, and cried with me, and I feel so very grateful for such loving people in my life.
I can't wait to have my family all together one day. I can't wait to wrap my arms around a child that I couldn't know here on this earth. What a sweet day that will be :) I'm so very grateful for the Plan of Salvation, and the peace and comfort it gives me. What a gracious and loving Heavenly Father we have :)
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